In honor of the release of The Autumn Republic by Brian McClellan this Feb 10th and because I had a doughnut today, I bring you a Powder Mage Trilogy spoof, The Powdered Sugar Doughnut Mage.
Pretty much the whole story is built around the TERRIBLE pun in the last line.
Tamas sits at his desk in his office at Skyline Palace, his leg resting after the surgery to remove Nikslaus Gold Star. Blood still wetting the bandage after several days, the surgeon assures Tamas he will be able to walk unaided once the leg has had time to heal. Pain, sharp and intense radiates from the wound throughout his body, frustrated and unable to sit any longer he stands removing his leg from its resting stool.
Alert and watching from the corner of the room in case Tamas stumbles, “Surgeon said not to move, so what do you need,” Olem calls out, a lit cigarette hanging from his mouth.
Tamas pauses and turns to Olem, “I need some powdered to take the edge of the pain, and I am more than capable of getting it from myself,” he snaps.
Resting his hand on the desk for support Tamas pushes away and begins to hobble across the room to the tray resting on the table his left. Piled high, a dozen pristine white rings of death and joy sit waiting for a call to arms, ready to fill their bearer with an explosion of white confectionery bliss and control.
Stumbling the last few feet and catching himself on the tables edge Tamas reaches out, his hand hovering over the white mountain of powdered release, “Mihali has done himself proud with this batch of doughnuts. I remember during the first Kez campaign, we had to make squir-nuts. We must have hunted and captured thousands of squirrels, frying them in their fat, and I’ll tell you squirrel don’t have much fat to begin with. I think we depopulated the entire region of Kez and Adro, and made the world a safer place for all eggcorns,” he says and chuckles.
Olem raises his eyebrows skeptically, “Where did you get the sugar then?” he asks.
“An unbeliever then. We used squirrel bone char to refine the sugar from crap apples with he added benefit the bar char was also useful for keeping your leather in good condition. But by Kresimir they tasted terrible, wet fur, leaves and mold,” he replies.
Shaking Tamas lifts a powdered doughnut covering his hand with a pale dusting of sugar and bites into its soft velvet texture. Lips and facial stubble now covered in a thing layer of powder, Tamas lets out a sigh of relief and finishes the pastry in two bites as snowy death courses through his veins.
Eyes closed, his hand once again steady the pain in his injured leg begins to recede. Reaching out he lifts another doughnut, jaw wide it is placed whole into his mouth as shudder of delight cause him a moment of giddiness and an palpable release of pleasure.
Unnoticed Olem has made his way across the room and now stands beside Tamas, “You should rest, maybe cut back on the pastry,” he says in a worried tone.
Turning and resting a hand on Olem’s shoulder, “Its only a few my friend. I’ll have a salad for lunch, I promise. There is much to do, little time to do it and they help me through the pain,” he replies.
Returning to his desk Tamas sits, inspecting his fingertips he licks the last remaining visages of sugar from each digit, bringing a yawning smile to his face, “When we replace the doughnuts, tell Mihali to fill the next batch with strawberry jam. My mages will need the extra vigour for what’s to come next,” he says.
Shocked, Olem does not try and conceal his surprise, “Strawberry jam, by Kresimir Tamas, do you want to put yourself into a sugar coma. No man or Powder Sugar Doughnut Mage can take that much sweetness and live. I will not stand by and watch you die from a self inflicted sugar death. You are too important to Ardan,” he shouts.
Shoulders heavy with weigh, but head held high Tamas looks Olem in the eye pushing back an angry reply, “You are my bodyguard and friend, but I know what my mages can handle and I say they can handle jam filled powdered sugar doughnuts, not blueberry, not raspberry, but strawberry, the stronger the better. Now pull that cigarette out of you mouth and see it to,” he replies.
Olem takes the cigarette from his mouth, walks over to the tray containing the doughnuts and extinguishes it in the clean white surface of the top mist doughnut, “yes sir,” he says and walks out of the room slamming the door behind him.
Alone Tamas stares ahead, the powdered hit allowing him to hear Olem’s footsteps as he walks along the hall, “I am sorry my friend, but if we are to survive, we must preserve,” he says and leans back into the chair.
** If this story offends the author in anyway I am more than happy to remove the post **
In case my terrible pun was missed – Jam. Preserve. See terrible!