Flash Fan Fiction – The Powdered Sugar Doughnut Mage, a Powder Mage spoof in honor of The Autumn Republic by Brian McClellan.

In honor of the release of The Autumn Republic by Brian McClellan this Feb 10th and because I had a doughnut today, I bring you a Powder Mage Trilogy spoof, The Powdered Sugar Doughnut Mage.

Pretty much the whole story is built around the TERRIBLE pun in the last line.

DONUTTamas sits at his desk in his office at Skyline Palace, his leg resting after the surgery to remove Nikslaus Gold Star.  Blood still wetting the bandage after several days, the surgeon assures Tamas he will be able to walk unaided once the leg has had time to heal. Pain, sharp and intense radiates from the wound throughout his body, frustrated and unable to sit any longer he stands removing his leg from its resting stool.

Alert and watching from  the corner of the room in case Tamas stumbles, “Surgeon said not to move, so what do you need,” Olem calls out, a lit cigarette hanging from his mouth.

Tamas pauses and turns to Olem, “I need some powdered to take the edge of the pain, and I am more than capable of getting it from myself,” he snaps.

Resting his hand on the desk for support Tamas pushes away and begins to hobble across the room to the tray resting on the table his left. Piled high, a dozen pristine white rings of death and joy sit waiting for a call to arms, ready to fill their bearer with an explosion of white confectionery bliss and control.

Stumbling the last few feet and catching himself on the tables edge Tamas reaches out, his hand hovering over the white mountain of powdered release, “Mihali has done himself proud with this batch of doughnuts. I remember during the first Kez campaign, we had to make squir-nuts. We must have hunted and captured thousands of squirrels, frying them in their fat, and I’ll tell you squirrel don’t have much fat to begin with. I think we depopulated the entire region of Kez and Adro, and made the world a safer place for all eggcorns,” he says and chuckles.

Olem raises his eyebrows skeptically, “Where did you get the sugar then?” he asks.

“An unbeliever then.  We used squirrel bone char to refine the sugar from crap apples with he added benefit the bar char was also useful for keeping your leather in good condition. But by Kresimir they tasted terrible, wet fur, leaves and mold,” he replies.

Shaking Tamas lifts a powdered doughnut covering his hand with a pale dusting of sugar and bites into its soft velvet texture. Lips and facial stubble now covered in a thing layer of powder, Tamas lets out a sigh of relief and finishes the pastry in two bites as snowy death courses through his veins.

Eyes closed, his hand once again steady the pain in his injured leg begins to recede. Reaching out he lifts another doughnut, jaw wide it is placed whole into his mouth as shudder of delight cause him a moment of giddiness and an palpable release of pleasure.

Unnoticed Olem has made his way across the room and now stands beside Tamas, “You should rest, maybe cut back on the pastry,” he says in a worried tone.

Turning and resting a hand on Olem’s shoulder, “Its only a few my friend. I’ll have a salad for lunch, I promise. There is much to do, little time to do it and they help me through the pain,” he replies.

Returning to his desk Tamas sits, inspecting his fingertips he licks the last remaining visages of sugar from each digit, bringing a yawning smile to his face, “When we replace the doughnuts, tell Mihali to fill the next batch with strawberry jam.   My mages will need the extra vigour for what’s to come next,” he says.

Shocked, Olem does not try and conceal his surprise, “Strawberry jam, by Kresimir Tamas, do you want to put yourself into a sugar coma. No man or Powder Sugar Doughnut Mage can take that much sweetness and live. I will not stand by and watch you die from a self inflicted sugar death. You are too important to Ardan,” he shouts.

Shoulders heavy with weigh, but head held high Tamas looks Olem in the eye pushing back an angry reply, “You are my bodyguard and friend, but I know what my mages can handle and I say they can handle jam filled powdered sugar doughnuts, not blueberry, not raspberry, but strawberry, the stronger the better. Now pull that cigarette out of you mouth and see it to,” he replies.

Olem takes the cigarette from his mouth, walks over to the tray containing the doughnuts and extinguishes it in the clean white surface of the top mist doughnut, “yes sir,” he says and walks out of the room slamming the door behind him.

Alone Tamas stares ahead, the powdered hit allowing him to hear Olem’s footsteps as he walks along the hall, “I am sorry my friend, but if we are to survive, we must preserve,” he says and leans back into the chair.

** If this story offends the author in anyway I am more than happy to remove the post **

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Dear Hollywood, a letter on remakes

Dear Hollywood, After reading that there is a possible Indiana Jones reboot coming I have only one thing to say to, please, please take your heads from out of your asses and stop destroying our much-loved movies, old and new. While I can appreciate the need for the machine to feed and grow (movies are a business), the constant and I mean constant remake of classic movies is growing tiresome. Over the last 20 years in particular you have gone out your way to prey on the feeling of nostalgia and childhood glee we have for such movies as Ghostbusters, Goonies and there like. In 2002, we had a Spiderman reboot, and then in 2012 we had the Amazing Spiderman and now its being considered to reboot it once more. Ask yourself one question, if you take the last 10 remakes have any of them lived up to the hype, yes, some of them made you the precious money you want, but the quality and childhood love that we held for these such movies has been harpooned. Close your eyes and remember the movie Free Willy. Now picture when Willy jumped that rocky barrier to gain his freedom. Ok, got that? Next picture yourself standing behind Jesse with a 10 foot whaling gun. Yep, that’s you to most remakes. What I feel many have forgotten is some movies are perfect for the time they were made. Some were one off’s, taking themes and cues from the social and culture revolutions going on at the time or wonderfully cheesy advances in technology. Think on these remakes and tell me do they stand up against their originals,

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Flash Fan Fiction (Screwtape Letters) – Celestial termination letter, the response.

Some months ago as part of a writing challenge I wrote an amusing (I hoped) letter about an Angel being terminated from Heaven and sent to Hell, which you can read here.  It was commented on that the letter had a very Screwtape Letters by C. S. Lewis feel too it.  It was not until recently that I picked up the aforementioned material, releasing after a few pages that I had previously read these but had forgotten that I had.  Without my knowledge I must had be channeling Lewis in my story.  Coming to this realisation I want to add to the theme with a imagined response fromt he fired Angel.

Celestial termination letter, the response.

Dear Angelic Host of the Pontificating Pen,

Thank you for your kind words, my vertical declination was very enjoyable these last three months.  It is due in no small part to your gracious declarations I feel I need to unburden and confess some small sins, informing Management and yourself that while it comes as no surprise the manner of my termination, it may come as a surprise to your magniloquent Angelic personage that I have actually been in the employment of the Adversary for many a millennia.   With a now blackened heart, I must disclose after countless years of being bypassed for promotion by inferiors and toadies, I found heavenly espionage to be so much more satisfying than clerking and office administration for the Enemy Above, the Him that is He.

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Ever wanted more Personalities for the Discworld Ankh-Morpork board game?

A great game, but after a while it can become a little easy to pick who was who. So whats a gamer to do, he comes up with some new AMpersonalities for  players to pick, sand share to those who also have and enjoy the game.

How to use.

Your Personality is decided by the roll of the dice at the beginning of the game if one of the three 7 area control cards are selected.

  • If the dice matches that of those below then that will be your personality (hide the number hidden, otherwise everyone will know).
  • If the dice number is not rolled you must play the personality of the card.
  • If you exchange your personality you must roll the dice before selecting a card.

Either write the personality you have picked down or print a permanent list with all the new personalities.  Additionally, you can decide to leave the play card that matches the new personalities (if there is one e.g. Rincewind) in the deck for play (it’s only a game) or remove them and then use them as the new personalities card.

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Presents! ARC FLEX by Ferret Steinmetz. Big Thanks to SF Signal & Angry Robot Books

Flex-144dpiThank you to SF Signal & Angry Robot Books. Looking forward to reading this. Review to come!

http://angryrobotbooks.com/books/flex-by-ferrett-steinmetz/

FLEX: Distilled magic in crystal form. The most dangerous drug in the world. Snort it, and you can create incredible coincidences to live the life of your dreams.

FLUX: The backlash from snorting Flex. The universe hates magic and tries to rebalance the odds; maybe you survive the horrendous accidents the Flex inflicts, maybe you don’t.

PAUL TSABO: The obsessed bureaucromancer who’s turned paperwork into a magical Beast that can rewrite rental agreements, conjure rented cars from nowhere, track down anyone who’s ever filled out a form.

But when all of his formulaic magic can’t save his burned daughter, Paul must enter the dangerous world of Flex dealers to heal her. Except he’s never done this before – and the punishment for brewing Flex is army conscription and a total brain-wipe.

Book Review – Death Most Definite by Trent Jamieson

My review of Death-Most-Definite by Trent Jamieson 7.5/10

http://www.fantasybookreview.co.uk/Trent-Jamieson/Death-Most-Definite.html

Steven’s De Selby job is to guide the dead to the underworld and as you can expect things never run as smoothly as they should. Explosions, walking dead and the occasional apocalypse, but when Death is your business, business is always booming.

Death Most Definite is the first in the Death works series, it follows the premise that Death is a business and certain individuals and families nicknamed Pomps help the recently departed move into the afterlife, making there way to the One Tree.

Unfortunately, for our main character Steven someone is killing off all the other Pomps in his region, including his parents and the love of his life whom he hasn’t even meet yet and he must find out why. The story is set in Brisbane, Australia which refreshing (to me anyway) as I actually know the City and the places mentioned, and is consider to be in present day but obviously with its own little twists. Throw in come Stirrers, supernatural creatures who reanimate the dead to try and get back into the world of the living and you know things will get interesting.

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2015 is going to be a good year for book releases!

There are some really exciting books scheduled for released this year, but I think my top three would include,

The Autumn Republic by Brian McClellancover (10/02/2015)

Killing Pretty by Richard Kadrey (28/07/2015)

Peace Talks by Jim Butcher (??/09/2015)

ok I’ll sneak a fourth one in,

Shadows of Self by Brandon Sanderson (10/10/2015)

There is even a sample chapter on Sanderson’s website, here.

Whats everyone else looking forward too?

Firefight by Brandon Sanderson would be on here but its come out already, which is great news.